I remember when my midwife left my house after my baby was born and said, “Ok, I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you guys but call me if you need anything.” and I thought, “Wait. You’re leaving? You trust me with this guy?”
All the babysitting in the world didn’t prepare me for that moment when I was the mother, the one responsible for the tiny human baby. The good news is that we made it through that first night and all the nights to follow. He’s now 16. So far, so good.
I’ve blogged before about how to manage expectations in motherhood. Being a new mom is hard especially in today’s culture. We don’t value new mothers. We don’t know how to support or care for them.
My best friend and I talk so fondly of raising babies together. The play dates, library days, researching the benefits of coconut oil and organic foods. I loved being a young mom with little other responsibilities other than loving on my sweet babies. However, there are a few things that I wish I would have known when I was a young mama that would have made that time somewhat easier.
1. My baby, my rules.
If you know me, you know I don’t ever want to rock the boat or ruffle feathers or whatever other cute, little saying that just means, “I don’t want to ever make anyone uncomfortable or mad at me.” I had a really hard time remembering that I am the mom and I get to make the rules for my baby and my family. Whether it was letting someone hold my baby or asking for him back or speaking up when a family member tried to feed the baby a french fry as his first food, my mama bear would wake up, but my lack of confidence in my mothering made it hard to actually speak up. Over the years I have learned to use my mama voice for what I need and what my children need. I often feel like I’m the only mom out there who has struggled with this, but I have learned that if one person experiences something, chances are there are others.
2. Understood that breastfeeding is more than food, it’s a relationship.
When I had two little boys, ages 3 years and 15 months or so, I had a job a few afternoons a week at a local music school. The boys stayed with a babysitter and I got home around 6:00pm. As soon as I walked in the door, I needed to start dinner and get the evening routine going. My youngest still nursed off and on throughout the day and wanted to nurse when I got home. I would get so frustrated. It wasn’t until I got into birth work that I learned that breastfeeding is a relationship. Babies and toddlers nurse for lots of reasons. He didn’t necessarily want to nurse because he was hungry, he wanted to nurse because he missed me. He loved me. I wish I would have known that. It may not have changed my frustration, but it would have made me more aware of his needs and feelings. I would have understood the relationship I was nurturing those evenings. I would have taken the few minutes to snuggle my baby who still needed and wanted me. Dinner still made it on the table every night and who cares if it’s a little late when you are busy building a relationship with the little person you created.
3. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.
I never wanted to ask for help. I wanted to be the girl who had it all together. I wanted to do it all perfectly on my own. Friends, that’s dumb. It’s ok to ask for help. In fact, it’s recommended! We aren’t supposed to do this life all on our own. We are supposed to have a tribe. We need people who will come alongside us, cheer us on, help us when we need help, and carry us when we are too weak to go on. You don’t have to do it alone, sis. Find your people and ask them to help you. They don’t want a perfect friend, they want you.
I hope something here helps you along. We are in this mothering gig together - in every stage.
Cheers, mama!