I woke my husband up early that morning with a kiss and an excited “it's positive!” I was thrilled to be pregnant with my fifth baby. Soon enough, I had all the good, healthy pregnancy signs that put me in bed feeling like death. Life was good. My first prenatal appointment with my midwife was perfect. Baby sounded good, I didn't pass out when she took my blood, I managed to pee in the cup without a mess, all good stuff. Then I went back for my second prenatal and we couldn't find a heartbeat. At first I didn't really worry. I'm sure baby was there just in a funky place that the doppler couldn't pick up. She told me she could try again the next day or I could go get an ultrasound to just check on things. We tried again the next day, still nothing so I made the appointment with the ultrasound tech that confirmed we lost the baby. It was the hardest moment of my life. That was almost two years ago. I have since had another baby but am still part of this club that isn't talked about much but should be. Here are a few pieces of wisdom (I hope) from a mama who has been through the sadness of losing a baby....
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The loss of a pregnancy (no matter how early) can be devastating, take time to grieve.
I was surprised by the amount of grief I experienced. I couldn't believe the amount of tears I cried for this little person I never got to truly meet. I loved him and my heart ached to hold him and carry him in my belly once again. I was allowed to cry, yell, sleep, be alone, talk, whatever I needed to get through this tough time. I was loved on. I thought that I would be expected to just get on with life but I knew that was impossible and I wondered if I would ever be able to move on. It took time but as the weeks passed, I cried less. Even today, I miss my baby and look forward to the day I get to hold him and kiss him. So, mamas, take your time. There's no rush in grieving.
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Find a friend and talk about it if that helps you.
I wanted to talk about what happened. It helped me process it. I talked through my story with several trusted friends but one friend in particular, who had several miscarriages herself , spent many hours crying, praying, talking, and sitting in silence with me. Find this friend, if possible. I was actually surprised by how many women whispered “me, too” when I told them I had a miscarriage. We are in this together, friends, find a mama who can relate and let them cry with you, talk with you, hug you, and pray for you. You need it. You don't have to suffer alone. Let the people close to you know what you need. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you are a grieving mama and you deserve help and to be loved on.
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Getting pregnant again doesn't replace the baby you lost or “cure” your grief.
When I got pregnant again five months after my miscarriage I expected to be healed. I was surprised when I found myself still crying or just still sad for my baby in heaven. This new baby whom I love dearly, my rainbow baby, does not replace the one I lost. I think I will always mourn his loss, mourn the baby that I never got to mother and that's ok.
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People don't know what to say, forgive them.
I was actually fairly lucky in this respect. I've heard some of the well meaning but hurtful lines said to mothers mourning a loss. Likely this is said by someone who has never had a miscarriage or lost a baby, so forgive them. I cringe to think I was among those well meaning people before my loss, I pray I have the right words now. For me, the most hurtful thing was my baby not being acknowledged. We had a family holiday about a month after the miscarriage and I so badly wanted someone to come to me and acknowledge his life, death, and my broken heart. I know they felt awkward and didn't want to hurt me, I understand that and I forgive them.
Mamas, if you are reading this after a loss of your own, I'm so very sorry. I know how your heart aches and whole body yearns to hold that sweet little baby. I pray for hope and healing for you. You are not alone in this. It's not a club I wanted to be in but I hope I am now able comfort a grieving mother. Much love and hugs to you, sweet mama. Your baby is waiting for you and you'll be together again.
There is a website that I wish I had known about after my miscarriage that may help you during your journey. www.stillbirthday.com I hope you are able to find the information and/or comfort your are looking for and needing.
Many blessings to you,
Cheryl